Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity: Three Tools to Help You Help Your Questioning Child | Sam McDowell
“My daughter has begun expressing interest in other girls, and as a Christian father, I have no idea how to navigate this.”
Not-so-alarmingly, I hear statements like this from parents quite often. As a pastor, it is a great joy of mine to be in a position where I can help parents walk through controversial cultural influences that infiltrate their home. While it is inevitable, we are not always prepared to field these subjects when they show up at the dinner table. The conversation of sexual orientation and gender identity in our world today is as loud, edgy, sensitive, and complex as any other conversation we will have with our kids. This is why we must know how to respond.
Below, I have shared three tools you can use that will allow you to stand on biblical truth, pointing your child toward God’s design as you walk graciously alongside them.
Speak MORE to who God wired your child to be rather than contradicting what culture is leading them to believe about their sexual orientation or identity.
As I began talking to the father who said the statement I began with, I wanted him to understand that his most powerful tool as the shepherd to his daughter was her God-given identity. One of the most common mistakes I see parents make when they are navigating a child questioning their sexual orientation or identity is this: directing their total attention and dialogue on who their child is not instead of speaking to who they are. This only breeds rebellion and rejection. When you affirm what is true about them, it is very difficult for it to be received in a wrong way.
Let me give you a few examples. If your 12-year-old daughter has begun showing signs that she is questioning her orientation or identity, begin to highlight characteristics that allow her to connect to her femininity. Statements like, “One of the things I’ve always loved about you is how nurturing you are to your siblings. It is obvious you will be an amazing mother one day.” If your 15-year-old son is beginning to show some concerning signs, connect him to the man God created him to be. Statements like, “Son, I’ve recognized recently how courageous you have been about a few things in your life. It reminded me of a few godly men in Scripture I really think you could relate to. It’s made me so proud to see the man you are becoming.”
This isn’t just about masculinity or femininity, however! It’s us also directing their attention to acceptance and belonging. One of the greatest reasons why young people attach themselves to the LGBTQIA+ community is due to feeling like they are not accepted or do not belong. So, speaking statements of acceptance and belonging will make a massive difference over time.
Whether you’re dealing with a teen who is attracted to someone of the same sex or a teen who is beginning to explore the changing of their gender identity, our words have POWER. What we speak will either give life or take it (Proverbs 18:21). The words we speak that align with God’s intended design will ALWAYS have more power than the perverse words and influence of the enemy.
2. Help them see the Bible as their own personal guide, instead of your tool to correct their belief or actions.
Scripture is really only as powerful as it is personal. If you want to push your child away, throw Scriptures at them that they do not personally understand and believe as truth, that specifically go against their personal beliefs. First Corinthians 1:18 says the message of Christ is foolishness to those who don’t believe. The same will be true for your child who does not stand firmly on the Word for themselves. When we attach a scriptural rebuke to beliefs that are not founded on Scripture, almost every time it will breed rejection and rebellion.
BUT—and this is so important—if we can lead them to read and understand it for themselves, it could really cultivate some remarkable results. I mean results that become foundations they stand on forever. What I’m speaking specifically of is this: If they can understand the heart of God through the Scriptures for themselves, it will be the greatest tactic against the enemy’s scheme to steal your child’s identity.
Let me give you an example. A while back I was meeting with a young student who has been struggling with her sexuality. She had heard for years all of the Scriptures that discouraged her lifestyle but instead of embracing them, she pushed them away. Instead of the truth connecting her to the Lord, it pushed her away. Why? Because while the message was understood, the heart behind the message wasn’t being displayed. Her parents, while trying to point her to Scripture and shepherd her, pushed her further away. This happened because they spent more time talking about why her lifestyle was wrong instead of why God’s way is so right. Highlighting God’s heart for your child instead of their sin will begin to convince them in a subtle way toward God’s way—His design.
Now, let me resolve some tension you may be feeling; I am not advising to refrain from speaking truth! The TRUTH sets us FREE says John 8! Truth is mandatory but in our world today, truth without grace is brutal. It feels like rejection instead of an invitation into greater relationship. Season your truth with grace. Ask questions even if you know the answer. Help your child discover why God’s WORD and WAY is truly the best for their life.
3. See this journey as 60 one-minute conversations instead of one 60-minute conversation.
The conversation of gender identity and sexual orientation will be the largest discussion of this generation. As parents, we have to recognize that it’s a series of little conversations over time that make the most significant impact. Don’t fret. Remember that the goal isn’t to change your child; the goal is to lead them to a personal relationship with Jesus who will change them from the inside out.
Sixty conversations displays relationship.
Sixty conversations shouts, “I’m with you.”
Sixty conversations shouts, “Let’s figure this out together.”
Don’t feel pressured to experience a massive breakthrough in each conversation. Relationally journeying with your child is your greatest tool. And don’t ever forget: How they see you walk with them is how they will interpret how God walks with them. If we are harsh, they will connect that to their Heavenly Father. If we only talk and never listen, they will assume the same is true with God. Let them see Christ through you!
Let me close with this, Mom and Dad: The enemy that opposes your child will NEVER be stronger than the God who is FOR your child! You’re not in this alone. Lean into the power of the Holy Spirit. Know the Word, live out the Word, and exemplify to your children how God’s way is the BEST way! Make it more of a priority for you to draw your child close than to expose their sin. You’ll reap some wonderful fruit from this ministry and shepherding approach.
If you ever need to talk more about this, please reach out.
May God bless you and go with you as you engage such an important subject.