Three Goals Every Dad Can Make in His Family | Rob Guinta
To be fully candid, it has taken me far longer to write this post than I anticipated. It seems like every time I believed I was available to sit down and put thoughts to paper, I had to change my shirt again from another spit up incident (why am I so stubborn and refuse to wear one of those burp rags?), there was a fight to referee between my four- and two-year-old, or I was so frustrated from being late to drop off my kids at school AGAIN that I felt unqualified to speak into the health and role of dads in the family. (Side note: Seriously though, how many times do I need to ask the kids to brush their teeth, put their shoes on, and get in the car? Will it ever be less than ten times a day? Is this just me?)
I’m writing out of a place of learning, not arrival. I still consider myself a rookie to fathering, yet I am passionate about being the best dad to my kids I possibly could be—who doesn’t want this? So before I even became a dad, I wanted to soak up as much wisdom as possible from other dads who cross my path. And honestly, I still try to do this to this day.
Here’s the biggest common trend I found among dads, regardless of how well they thought they did or are doing, how many kids they have, or how new or familiar they are with the fathering journey: We tend to be active and aggressive towards setting, meeting, and surpassing goals in the marketplace, but passive (or more honestly, neglectful) to setting any goals at home. And I get it—it is far easier to make a good cost–benefit analysis on a product, investment, property, marketing strategy, or customer than measure quantitatively or qualitatively for your family. Especially when there are multiple members within the family with different personalities, needs, and life stages, and your current goal at the moment is just finding time to shower and brush your teeth at some point.
In the same breath, I’ve found three areas of wisdom from a plethora of dads I look up to that I’ve incorporated into my own fathering as “goals.” I don’t hit each goal everyday the way that I want to, but I’m getting better because I have something I’m going after. As Zig Ziglar famously quoted, “If you aim at nothing, you hit it every time.” Here are three goals every father can set in his family:
Prioritize presence over perfection
Often we feel a pressure to be a perfect dad to our kids, but in my ten years of working with kids, youth, and young adults, I’ve never heard one child say they had a “perfect” dad or that they ever expected to have one (we count on Father God for this). However, I’ve heard many students say they wish they had a present dad.
What could this practically look like? Put the phone down at home. Let work be work and home be home. It is humanly impossible and unsustainable to be available 24/7, but the people who do deserve our attention the most are the members of our family. Beyond this, I’ve found it helpful to invite my kids into my rhythms or routine. Invite your kid to change the oil with you—it may take a little longer, but presence matters. Linger a little longer after putting the kids down to bed, and see what comes up in conversation. Trust gained today compounds respect and receptivity tomorrow.
Give them courage more than caution
Hear me out—I’m not saying be reckless here. What I am saying is walk to any park in your area and the most common command you hear out of parents’ mouths is “be careful.”
I’ve learned in my short stint as a dad so far, and in my slightly longer time of being a pastor that bruises and cuts heal in days, weeks, or months if it was an extra good wipe out, but it takes far longer to heal a heart that has become cowardly. The Bible is riddled with stories of people who learned how to do things scared and walked into an overcomer’s destiny by the power of God, but also folks who let fear consume them and didn’t become all God had intended them to be.
If we want our children to walk into their Jesus-sized callings—taking full advantage and ownership of their citizenship to heaven, while joining Jesus in redeeming our earth—as dads, the best thing we can impart to our kids is a spirit of courage. One of the ways I do this with my kids is through something called the “Dangerous Kids Club.” When the club is activated, our manifesto is simple: “Dangerous but not (too) dumb.” Our initiation was jumping off a bunk bed ladder one rung higher than we were comfortable with. This seems so trivial to us as adults, but to a four- or two-year-old, it was the most scared they’ve been in their lives up to that point. With some encouragement from Dad, they did it. We’ve gone on to do more “dangerous things” since then (not sharing everything with mom)! But here’s the principle: When they need to make that tough decision in school, or when they’re nervous to step onto the soccer pitch, we point back to the Dangerous Kids Club. “Hey, remember when you were scared to do ____ in the club, but you did it? You can totally do this! You’re scared, but you can do it with courage.” And we patiently watch courage rise up in the next generation.
Let them see you doing God things
Finally, and maybe most importantly, allow your kids to see you doing God things. There are “more obvious” ones such as reading Scripture, praying, having quiet time that’s actually silent (remember the first point, invite your children into doing this with you), but then there are less obvious ones that have major impact.
Let your children catch you consistently speaking words of honor over your wife/their mom. Partner with other dads so they can see the power of community. Allow their memory banks to be full of a humble dad who asked for forgiveness and actually changed his actions afterwards. Invite them to go next door, and serve your neighbors and community together. Lastly, and vitally as the role of father, bless them. If you don’t know where to start, here are a few common blessings I love to bless my kids with:
“I bless you to love Jesus, and your relationship with God through the Holy Spirit, more than anything else.”
“I bless you to know God, not just know about Him, and make Him known.”
“I bless you to have a deep sense of calling and purpose from a young age.”
When they get used to a pattern of blessing, I sometimes like to ask them, “What do you want Dada to bless you with today?” I treasure their responses.
Hey dad, you can do it. You know your kids better than anyone else, and have a unique role in their life that nobody else can ever hold. I believe in you and am thankful for your crucial position in your family. We all get better when you get better. I’d love to hear your thoughts and wisdom on this, or other goals you’ve set for yourself as a dad that maybe I can incorporate into my fathering journey. Email me at rguinta@ourjourneychurch.com or DM me on Instagram @robguinta.
Lastly, here are some resources that have helped me on this topic on top of JRNYParent.com. Check out The Intentional Father by Jon Tyson; Habits of the Household by Justin Earley; Jesus Storybook Bible by Sallie Lloyd-Jones; and Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk.