Confessions of a Parental Control Freak | Carrie Wright
“Grace! I told you to wear something warm today!”
My 15-year-old is notorious for not dressing for the weather. Like many other teenage girls, she’s more interested in style than comfort. But today was an important day. This morning she was taking her first AP test for Advanced Placement European History. I knew that the testing room was often cold and didn’t want the frigid conditions to distract her during the four-hour test. Recognizing her tendency to not dress for the elements, I gave her clear directions the night before: wear a T-shirt with a warm sweatshirt over the top. But sure enough, that morning she came walking through the kitchen in her favorite T-shirt without the warm layer I suggested.
Since Grace is our oldest, we’re relatively new to parenting teenagers and I’ve discovered that parenting a teen is very different from parenting the younger ones. Little kids are still so reliant on their parents for basic needs. They still need mom and dad to make their food, buy their clothes, and tuck them in at night—and these younger ones are often happy to have mom and dad call the shots.
While we still love to do these things for our teenager, Grace is growing into a smart, independent young woman who is starting to recognize that she is capable of calling her own shots at times. I actually love that about her! I want her to become a confident, capable adult who loves Jesus and is well prepared for whatever calling God has on her life. So why am I trying to call the shots on something as insignificant as a sweatshirt?
Well, I have a confession to make: I am a control freak.
I love to create a great plan and see that plan through to completion. I’m one of those people who makes an hour-by-hour itinerary for vacations. I prefer holding the remote control when we’re watching a movie. (Is there anyone else like me out there?)
I want the very best for my kids and nothing less! And as the adult who has lived longer, grown wiser, and thought these decisions through thoroughly, I’m convinced that I know the best route. To be honest, as parents, we usually do know what is best for our teenager.
Yet too often there’s another “best” that I miss. Was the sweatshirt a good idea? For sure! But as much as I’d like to have a warm teenager, my higher priority is to cultivate a confident and independent woman. I want my kids to grow and mature into adults who will be able to call their own shots with wisdom and discernment.
What we often miss as parents is this: Like any other skill in life, the ability to make wise decisions will only come with practice. You cannot “tell” a kid how to play the violin for 18 years and then suddenly expect them to pick it up and play like a pro. They need to hold the instrument, learn to play scales, practice “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” All this must come before they can perform Mozart.
We understand this concept when it comes to musical instruments, sports, and learning to read. “Practice makes perfect!” But do we operate the same way with decision-making? Do we allow—no, do we insist—our kids practice making the little decisions first so they will be ready to make the big decisions when the time comes?
Independence is inevitable. All of our kids will grow up one day, and if you’re parenting a teenager, that day isn’t too far off. Sadly, when those college years arrive and teens suddenly find themselves in a freedom they’re not accustomed to, they often don’t know how to handle independence with wisdom. College years tend to be a time of rebellion and foolish decisions that can create lifelong consequences. Studies show that 66 percent of teenagers leave their faith when they enter college. Quite frankly, we can’t afford to NOT train our kids to make wise decisions!
But let’s be honest: It’s hard to hand over the reins when you’re a control freak like me. Especially when you’re handing them over to someone you know is young and inexperienced. To be clear, I am NOT proposing that you pass off all parenting to your teenager! They’re still a kid who needs the wise counsel, direction, and instruction of a parent. But teens require a loosening of the reins, a gradual transfer of shot-calling as you train them how to make wise decisions with their newfound freedom. Let them practice making the smaller decisions first, giving them room to experience some consequences and learn from mistakes. Guide them through the decision-making process, coaching them along the way, without calling all the shots for them.
After all, we don’t just hand over the car keys on a kid’s 16th birthday. We get in the passenger seat, alongside our teenager, and take time to teach, train, practice—and, of course, pray that God will watch over them! Training our teens to make wise decisions should also be strategic, gradual, and covered in prayer.
And that sweatshirt? Turns out Grace remembered my advice and was on her way to grab one hanging up by the door. I just didn’t take time to listen and ask questions before barking out orders. Now we’re just hoping for a great score on that AP test. 😊